Playmate
by InkDeath
Summary: Pip is just enjoying a good old smoke when a little vampire pops up out of no where to bother him, but is it just his imagination at work? Or is Alucard screwing with his head? Alucard makes Pip's life a living nightmare. Girlycard and Pip.
1. Little Girl

A little something that just popped up in my head. It's an odd one, I know.

* * *

"Lalalala!"

Pip glanced up as he heard the childish singing. It sounded like a little girl. Pip didn't now of any little girls in Hellsing. He waited as the sound came closer to the hall he stood smoking in. With a twirl a small fragile fourteen-year-old girl waltz through the hall.

"Oi." He called attention to the girl as she passed him, her long strait black hair swaying around her back. She turned a pair of sharp red eyes on him. Pip's hand reached down for his gun casually as if only resting it on his hip. "What's a little girl like doing strolling though Hellsing?"

"Shut up, Aussie." She stuck a little tongue out and turned again.

"Hey, you little vampire bitch, get back here!" And Pip withdrew his gun and shot it at her shoulder.

It blasted through the flesh, sending blood spurting into the air and onto the ground. The girl ran with a cackle and scream of delight as if it were some game. Pip ran after her as she turned the corner.

As Pip turned the same corner he froze as he was met by the tall foreboding Alucard. He looked around the vampire's body to see if he could spot the little girl, but he saw nothing. He looked up nervously at Alucard again. "You 'aven't seen a little bratty vampire running around, 'ave you?"

Alucard made a slight grin, as he rubbed his shoulder, "No."

"Uuuhhh…" Pip shook his head. Had he been seeing things? "Never mind then…aha…" and he turned around and walked slowly back to his place in the hall where he had been before.

Then he heard it again. Then he saw it again. A little fourteen-year-old vampire girl skipping down the hall. She winked at Pip as she passed by. "Hi there."

Pip tried to ignore her. _It's just your imagination, just your imagination._

"I said HI THERE." She stomped her foot before him.

He tried to ignore her.

"I SAID HI THERE." And she dug her little foot into his.

Pip cried out as she crushed his middle toe. No, his mind wasn't playing tricks this time. "Gah!" He withdrew his gun, "Come back 'ere!" He fired several rounds, all of them tearing apart one of her arms as she ran with a squeal of delight.

But like before, he turned the corner and saw nothing except for Alucard, who was picking at his fingers silently while leaning on a closed door. He glanced up at Pip, who was breathing hard and gaping at the empty hall. "What's you problem?" Alucard asked.

Pip only silently walked back into the hall where he had been before, his toe throbbing with pain. It was defiantly broken, but there was no little vampire to hunt down for it. He groaned as he lit another cigarette. He was going to shoot for her head this time, even if she was a little girl.

She came. Prancing along like any other happy little girl.

"Hi there." She stopped and said with her hands behind her back.

Pip pulled out a gun and aimed it at her head, smiling. "Hi there." He fired.

Her head was thrown back by the blast as it went through the center of her forehead, but her body did not fall back, instead she stood up strait again, a mad smile in her eyes and on her lips. "Again!" She cackled as the blood trailed down her face.

Pip's lip twitched. "Die already!" And he set to empting his gun into the little vampire.

Her body jerked with the shots put into her, blood flying up as she was shot and blasted. Once Pip's gun was empty her body fell to its knees and slumped back in a pool of blood.

Pip sighed as he lowered his gun and his head. Then he rubbed his eye as he looked up again. He jumped, startled.

Alucard stood there where the bloody dead girl had been, but all evidence of her slaughter was gone. "Alucard! What the f---, stop doing that!"

His form swirled for a moment and he disappeared, then standing in his place was the little girl. "I'm just a little girl looking for someone to play with." And she/he smiled.

Pip gawked for a moment, then growled through his teeth. "I hate you so much right now."

She ran away cackling madly.

* * *

Random! But we never see these two interact much, now do we? Fanfic writers of Hellsing, lets write more Alucard and Pip interaction! I agree with user VampiresGutsFangsBlood on that one.


	2. Bananas

I couldn't resist doing another one! Not as good as the first but I laughed...

* * *

Pip was strolling through the streets of London. He didn't like it, really, not much at all. But this was where he was staying to get paid, and paid big time.

He dropped his cigarette on the pavement and stamped it out.

"Litter-er!" Screamed a young voice behind him.

Pip turned, "It's a little butt…" Then he froze. "What zha hell?! You again!"

An abnormally pale fourteen-year-old girl smiled at him with a crazed look in her eye.

"You're in zha sunlight, common, ain't you going to burn up or something?"

She yawned, "Nah, just makes me sleepy."

Pip turned, his shoulders shrugged up, "Leave me _alone_, Alucard."

"Alucard! Who's dat?" She ran up and walked alongside him.

"Go away."

"You're mean!" She hissed.

Pip walked faster.

"Come back!" She screeched with her all to high-pitched voice.

Pip was about to withdraw his gun, when he stopped and looked around him. He would get arrested for doing that in a busy London square. He glared at the girl. "Just leave me alone, ok? What do you want from me?"

She extended a hand, her other held behind her back. "Hi, I'm Girlycard."

Pip stared at the extended hand.

"Shake my hand." She growled like a feral cat.

Pip reluctantly grabbed it. "Pip…"

She laughed madly as she squeezed momentarily and ran off.

"Arg!" She had broken his pinky finger. "Get back here!"

She ran strait down a walk passing a small grocery store, and as Pip was chasing after her she suddenly stopped and stared into the window. "Buy me banana's." She demanded as he grabbed the back of her shirt.

"You don't eat banana's, you don't even eat."

"I said buy my banana's!" She screeched.

"Shut up, I'm getting stares." Pip hissed as he looked around him where passerbyers frowned at him.

"BUY ME BANANA'S!" She howled at the top of her lungs.

"Ok ok ok!"

Pip came out with the bananas and thrust them into her arms. "Here, damn it."

Girlycard immediately began to eat them greedily. Pip rolled his eyes and started back towards Hellsing, Girlycard stuffing her face next to him all along the way.

As they came onto the grounds and the gate was visible Pip heard the girl Alucard burp. He looked down angrily at the pest at his side.

Her face looked sick. She covered her mouth.

"Told ya so." Pip laughed once.

Girlycard's head came down, she bent over, and retched over the mercenary's boots. He froze and he thought he would lose it right there and then.

Girlycard slowly rose her head and burped again, "Ug…"

She retched some more yellow half digested blood splattered banana crap over his boots.

This was not worth what they were paying him.


	3. Pants

So so…Have some suggestions about what Girlycard should do to Pip or visa versa, because this could be way too much fun… *evil smile*

* * *

"Integra!" Pip slammed his fist on the door to his employer's office.

"Come in."

Pip opened the door, red faced with anger.

"What is it you are yelling about?" Integra snapped. Alucard in his tall menacing male form was near her chair, on one knee in his submissive pose to his master. Pip could have sworn he saw the glint of playfulness in his eye as he glanced at Pip.

Pip pointed at Alucard, "It's that thing!" He glared at Alucard, "He's been turning into a little girl and pulling things on me, but I've had it! I've had it! All my underwear iz gone, my boots are _still_ being cleaned, Seras zhinks I'm the one raiding her room and I'm being punished for it, her mad laughter keeps me awake at night vhen I'm trying to zleep, and he…she…won't leave me alone!"

Integra's frown deepened. "Pip, in case you haven't notice, Alucard is a seven foot tall man. He can turn into a dog, but that's about it."

"He turns into a fourteen year old girl!" Pip's eye twitched as Alucard grinned slightly, closing his eyes as if just listening. "I know you're laughing!" Pip spat.

Integra frowned hard again. "Alucard, please, clear this up."

Alucard stood and made a slight bow, "I'm sorry, mercenary, but I have no idea what you are speaking of."

Pip couldn't even speak, he was too flustered. No, Alucard wasn't doing this to him... Was he just some special victim Alucard enjoyed tormenting and making a fool of?

"Do cling to what is left of your dignity and leave." Integra ordered.

"But…but…he's lying!"

"Out!"

Pip grumbled as he walked away from the office. Hopefully the vampire would get bored. No one believed him around here. Alucard was going to make him go crazy, he knew it, one day he would flip his lid and that would be the end of him.

Then came that high-pitched crazed voice behind him.

"_**Gooooooiiiiinnng cooooommmmmmannnndooooo!**_" She howled as she tore his pants down to his knees. Then she was running away with her hands up in the air, cackling like there was no tomorrow.

Pip desperately grabbed his pants, but it was too late. Thanks to his lack of underwear he had nothing on underneath, and Seras was just coming into that very hall behind him.

Seras screamed.

Pip managed to pull his pants up and turn, holding onto them so they wouldn't fall down again. "Oi, Seras…" He put out a hand, "It's not what it looks like!"

* * *

Pip sat in his room with an ice bag on his head, a cigarette hanging from between his lips. He grimaced as he let his hand and the ice down on the table he sat at.

IT appeared next to him. He didn't even acknowledge IT's presence.

She placed a bowl down on the table and pulled up a chair next to him. Girlycard plopped down on a seat she pulled up for herself and stared at Pip. She only got a small hateful glance.

The bowl was full of blood and she had begun eating it quietly with a small spoon, staring up at Pip all the while with her wide red eyes.

"Why, Alucard, why?" Pip mumbled after a while.

"Who's Alucard? You never tell me!" She snapped, throwing a fist on the table.

Pip calmly removed the cigarette from his mouth and doused it in the bowl.

Girlycard stared at the bowl where he had put his cigarette, her eye twitching rapidly. "That…was…my…**SOUP**."

"Now it's an ashtray." Pip smirked.

* * *

"Ma'am, our mercenary, Pip, will be out of duty for today." Walter informed his master.

"And why is that?" Integra glanced up from her paper work.

"It turns out he has offended both our vampires somehow, he is currently in the hospital ward."


	4. Underwear

I am back with more Girlycard underwear torment.

--------------------------------:

Pip was released after a week with one arm in a sling. His head still had bandages on it and his head throbbed with the pain and medication he had to take.

This was _not_ worth what they were paying him!

As he shut the door behind him he froze and stared at his bed. On it was a pile of underwear, a very large pile of underwear, and most of it wasn't even his. He came over slowly; already guessing whom it was that put the mountain of undergarments on his bed. He picked up a clean white pair that looked fresh out of the store.

That was when the pile exploded with a shout from within. "_Surprise!!!"_

"Ah!" Pip stumbled back and landed against the wall.

"Look," The evil little vampire girl…er…man…whatever it was, smiled crazily. "I got you back your underwear!"

"Gee, thanks, now no thanks, and get out!" Pip pointed towards the door.

The crazy smile vanished and an eye twitched. "You don't like the underwear…" Then she jumped up with a pair and pulled it over his head. "Like the underwear!" Then she grabbed another and with a swift motion tied his good wrist with it and tied it behind his back. "You will _like_ the underwear!" Her screaming voice demanded.

"No…get away from me…beast…gah!" Pip couldn't struggle. He was blinded.

"Like it!" And Girlycard stuffed a pair into his mouth.

Pip fell to the ground, motionless, in pain, and no longer willing to put up a fight.

Girlycard stood over her victory. "It's a good thing you keep them clean, eh, Frenchy?"

"I 'ae ou." Pip mumbled through the cloth in his mouth on the ground, "I eally 'ae ou."*

Girlycard screeched with laughter before she ran into the door. She fell back, still laughing, before trying again and remembering to _phase through_ the door.

A minute later there was a soft knock on his door, then Seras entered. She stared at Pip where he lay on the ground. He moaned.

"Is that…_my thong_ in your mouth?!"

Oh, dear lord…

--------------------------------------:

* I hate you. I really hate you.

I have two younger brothers; the humor is natural for me.

For those who enjoy...let me know what you enjoyed so I can make more! I aim to make you all lol...or at least smile, smiles are good :)


	5. Bar Fail 1

Pip was the master at this.

In a nice bar in town not far from Hellsing he saw a pretty young blonde lazily staring at the television screen, uninterested in whatever sports game was going on.

No one had been able to resist his charms, not usually anyway, every now and then a woman would see right through his antics and kindly brush him off, which made Pip crazy about them, his only failures were the ones that still drifted through his dreams.

"Hey there, hard day?" Pip was next to her, toying with his own drink.

She glanced at him, "Nice accent." She smirked and looked back to the screen.

"Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Sure, why not, I'm bored anyway." She made another coy smile.

A small hand came down on the counter behind him, a short fourteen-year-old girls hand. Pip flinched as he recognized the high pitched girly voice behind him. "Hey! I want a milk."

"You…!" Pip tried to keep cool, "What are you doing here?" Then he nudged at her, "You don't even like milk."

Alucard, or rather, Girlycard, bit his finger when it got too close.

"Ouch! You little…" The woman was watching with questions brewing in her mind. "Darling…thing." Pip glared hotly at Alucard below him with his good eye.

She smiled widely at the woman. "Hi!"

"Er, hi."

"I'm his daughter!"

The woman arched her brows, "You…have a daughter?"

"Wait, no! Hang on…" Pip was ready to shoot the little demon who beamed up at him.

"Mom's done shopping!"

"Shut up!"

The blonde got up slowly, "I'm not thirsty anyway."

"No! Wait, she's not my daughter…gah!" It was too late; she had walked out the door. Then Pip glared down at Girlycard. She took a step back as his fury was boiling over. "I. Am. Going. To KILL YOU!" And he grabbed at her.

Girlycard screamed, "Ah!" She ran out of the bar into the night, Pip charging after her with murderous thoughts. "Help! Somebody help! HE'S GONNA RAPE ME! HEEEEELP!"

"Thank you, officer." Seras said as she grabbed Pip from his holding cell, "I'm sorry my niece has been causing so much trouble.

Girlycard shied behind Seras.

"Just don't let it happen again."

As Seras shoved Pip down the street to the car he glared at Alucard next to him in her cute little girl outfit. She snickered, "How did that tazzer feel?"

"I'll tazzer you, you little monster! See how you like it!"

Seras pushed Pip into the back of the car. "Shut up, both of you!"

"You'll tell Integra Alucard turns into a little girl for me, right?" Pip pleaded as Seras took the passenger seat and let Walter drive.

"She already knows, Pip, why wouldn't she?"

"BUT…!"

"Please, just shut up!" Seras hissed.

Pip fell back against the seat with a groan.

Girlycard stared for a moment at his pants. Then she said, "Does a tazzer always make you soil yourself?"

Pip's eye twitched.


End file.
